Monday, September 10, 2007

Praise is a bad thing?

I was reading some of my old teacher books and came upon this information. I think it makes a lot of sense and I would like to pass it on for your consideration. See what you think-
"...early childhood practitioners have identified many drawbacks to praising children. ...praise leads to dependence on adults because it encourages children to rely on authority figures to solve problems for them and to evaluate what is right, wrong, good, or bad. ...praise can discourage children's efforts, have a negative effect on self-image, and place students on the defensive." "Praise is not conducive to self-reliance, self-direction, or self-control. If the authority figure, ...can judge positively, thy can also judge negatively. To judge at all implies superiority and takes away from the children's power to judge their own work."
This info comes from "Suporting Young Learners 2" by High/Scope Press.
Okay so what are supposed to do about that? What should we be doing instead and how can saying positive things really be bad?
I started pondering on this and you know I think I have to agree. When Heavenly Father compliments us (and I understand He and His son have every right to judge us...duh) He usually says that he is well pleased with us and specifically points out what we have done well. That is totally different than saying, "Good job, Pam." He leaves me with no doubts about what he likes and I have found that to the contrary he teaches me the correct principles and lets consequences happen to help me learn what not to do. He doesn't complain about me or criticize or put me down. He teaches me and then lets me choose, knowing full well that the consequences must be issued accordingly.
Children must be taught right and wrong. How blessed I am to have the gospel in my life. I do not ever have to guess about what is right or wrong. Teach, teach, teach is one of our primary roles as parents. Of course we do it in the most loving way possible.

...the point is to not set ourselves up as judges over our children, other children, or anybody else for that matter. Hmmm, where have I heard that before?

Here are some things you CAN and SHOULD do:
1) participate in their play
Really play with them and involve yourself in what they are doing or are interested in. And as adults how great is it when someone shows interest in something we like to do and participates in it with us?
2) encourage children to describe their efforts and products
Ask them to talk about what they are doing? Would you like to tell me about your picture? Again, as adults doesn't it feel so good to have the chance to talk about something you have done?
3) acknowledge children's work or ideas by making specific comments
So the next time you are tempted to say, "good job," don't. Concentrate on their work and make comments such as, "Look at all the colors you used in your drawing. I see lots and lots of squiggly lines. You covered the whole page with art."

I think I will try very hard to always notice all the good things I possibly can and acknowledge those good works in positive ways, real building ways. Sometimes I think it is enough, no, I believe that it is better to let someone know that you noticed. What better feeling can there be to understand that someone cared enough to notice and tell you about it? No wonder thank you is so powerful.

21 comments:

Megan said...

Hmm. Not sure how I feel about that. I can see your point, but at the same time I don't know that I completely agree. Interesting.

Suzanne said...

Thank you Mom I needed that reminder. Sometimes it's easy to just say good job and it take a real effort to really get down to the nitty gritty.
I am glad I have you for some insight.
- Suz

Carrie said...

I'm not too sure either. Maybe I misunderstood what you were saying. I agree with suz that you need to take time to really give attention to what they are doing and notice something specific. But at the same time if someone said to me, when looking at my painting, "Wow look at how you used orange and red in the canteloupe," and left it at that I would assume they didn't like it. I feel that noticing something specific and then telling him I like the specific thing is a better approach for me. My dad RARELY gives me praise and he did the other day and i was on cloud nine, and when he doesn't I want to try and get him to say something positive towards me. I feel like if he sincerely gave me more praise I would not feel worse, but better. Interesting thoughts, though.

Carrie said...

Ben and I just talked about this for FHE. I would encourage you to look up "praise children" at lds.org. We are a family that will continue to shower praise upon our children...until I am directed otherwise.

Carrie said...

Sorry... Ben said my last comment was too confrontational and I really didn't intend for it to come across that way. I love you guys and I'm glad we can have discussions like this to really think about what we are doing to ensure our children are raised the way Heavenly Father would do it. I hope no one feels bad from the comments I write. I would feel really badly if someone thought I was being mean. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! The church did have some lovely articles on the topic, though. They are nice to read anyway.

Megan said...

Yeah, sorry Mom. Sonny and I discussed this tonight as well and we completely disagree. I could write my own book on exactly why that is, but I'll just say that I don't agree with you and leave it at that. :) I guess it's a great conversation starter though.

Caity said...

I want to get in on this! I think I'm on the fence about it. On the one hand, I think lingering over your child and always giving praise is not a good thing. Kids do need to learn and grow for themselves and we need to be actively participating as much as possible, not just actively giving praise. BUT, I do think that praise is good where truly earned. I think about Joel and he grew up with a mom that wasn't super "praising" of him and now he is strong in his own convictions and doesn't need people to say he's "okay" to be okay. Which is why he can take crap from family and not get down about it :)

Whereas me, praise is everything and I feel down when I haven't heard any for awhile. Is there a connection? I don't know, maybe. But I think telling someone they're good at something is a good thing, just not constantly. But telling them all the time does creat doubt. It's a tricky subject for me. I do know one thing though that playing wiht your kids is better than telling them they play good.

Caity said...

P.S. Mom didn't say never give a child praise, she just wanted to pass on some interesting info that made a lot of sense.

Suzanne said...

Man, I think what I got from Moms words and the rest of you were way different. I thought what she was saying was that you Do say good job and give praise but you don't just leave it at that. You go further you say why it was good. An empty complement, one that you don't really mean seems like it wasn't worth hearing or saying. I think it's important to let our children know that something is good. I did not get that Mo was saying don't ever give encouragement. We should show love and encouragement always. I don't get the whole let your kids learn and grow for themselves. Who of us does not like to be told we are doing a good job and why we are doing a good job. Or for that matter, that the compliment is a sincere one. I think that's it for me. Don't give empty praise, be kind and sincere with your words. I think I will have to go back now and read Mo's thing, because I think I may be way off.

-Suz

Suzanne said...

Ok, after talking with Kaleb this is what we came up with. The quote is wrong. However, in talking to Drew, he sees where it comes from that some adults rely on Praise to feel they have any worth. That is were I think Mom is going with this. I agree with the stuff mom said though. Which kind of doesn't seem to go with what the quote means to me. Anyway I have probably pushed this thing as far as I should. Love ya all.

-Suz

Carrie said...

Ben and I kind of thought the same thing too, suz. The quote didn't really go with the comments. Which is good because the comments were good, though we didn't agree with the quote. Another thought: Maybe some adults rely on praise too much because they didn't get it when the were younger. Just a thought.

Megan said...

This is awesome! Mine makes the 12th comment! Let's see how many we can post. I say we go for a record.

How's everybody doin? :)

Caity said...

Good, how about you?

Megan said...

I'm good. The weather was perfect and then it warmed up again.

Caity said...

Well, I stayed up late reading a good book, "Twilight" anyone read it? I like it a lot. I'm a little tired now though. Oh, Kaleb...how was "His Dark Materials"? What did you think of the ending?

Megan said...

What is Twilight about? I've been looking for something really good to read... in the spare time that I don't have.

Suzanne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Caity said...

You'll have to read it Meg. It's really clean with some mystery, action and of course...romance. If I tell you too much it will give it away. Just check it out.

Megan said...

Okay. Just post one more thing and we'll hit twenty comments. There you go, Mom. That's a respectable group record for you. :)

Caity said...

Okay, number 20, right here!

Caity said...

So, when you get home I expect a very long post including pics about everything going on!